Hi all,
It’s been a long, long while. I have been suffering with bipolar depression in a very extended way lately. Some people who don’t understand bipolar have the misperception that we suffer both the depressive side and the manic side equally. We don’t. Also, we’re all different in our levels of functionality at the various phases of the disorder. So I’ve been down and out of the game. I am on a new medication, Latuda, and I think it may finally be kicking in. I certainly hope so! It is supposed to relieve the symptoms of Bipolar Depression which is a very big deal for me as I have never had relief from this phase and it is the phase I suffer from the most frequently as well as it being the most catastrophically impactful for me.
Anyway, the picture above was put together back in December at the beginning of a manic phase which I will be sharing with you very soon. During mania I have many brilliant ideas and am extremely active. Unfortunately the mania does not last long and when it burns off suddenly my activities cease and my plots, plans, schemes come to an abrupt halt. For instance, this article had the headline written and the picture uploaded, and even a link to some statistical data but no body. Fortunately, I know my main intent was to go over my 4 “personalities” (for lack of a better description) that I am constantly trying to adjust to and live with.
Left to Right:
- Deep Depression. This is where I have been for the last several months. My days in this state consist of sleeping (escaping my problems, but also I am exhausted physically and mentally), crying uncontrollably for no specific reason, staring at the ceiling or blank wall sometimes with no thoughts registering in my head and other times inundated with only negative recriminations for being this person (something I cannot control) that suffers this chemical imbalance of the brain. I’ll get up to pee and return immediately to bed. I mostly drink my calories during this time as I have no energy or desire to even pour cereal into a bowl to eat. I will bathe once a week but don’t remember to brush my teeth and do not bother brushing my hair or changing my clothes. I am completely shut down. Inhuman. Some days I am afraid to be alone because I fantasize about killing myself. I know that is not the answer and it is really not an option. Besides, in this state I am frozen in grief and depression so I do not act upon thoughts. I “just” terrorize myself with them over and over again. Visualizing myself killing myself. It’s not fun, believe me. It scares me and heightens my depressive state.
2. “The Blahs” This is where I live the majority of my life. I still have difficulty with hygiene most days. I am messy and tired. I have zero focus, zero attention span, zero interests, zero motivation , and zero drive. I do nothing but zone out on the computer or Netflix day after day. My mind is chaotic and so is the environment around me. It’s better than the deep depression but it is no life. A waste.
3. Happy/Balanced. This is my goal persona. It is who I long to be. I enjoy friendships and can hold onto a job. I feel like I am pursuing goals and making real change in my life toward becoming this person authentically. I bathe bi-daily, I pick up after myself, I eat and sleep in a normal pattern. I have a life and recognized the blessing it is. I may even be able to have a romantic relationship again!
4. Mania! I am awesome! You are awesome! Life is awesome! I have big plans and they are, no matter how far-fetched, attainable! I just got to follow my plans step by step and I’ll do it! I will succeed at anything I try and I will try anything that interests me! The world is my oyster, my cake, my playground!
So who is susceptible to Bipolar Disorder? Statistics sourced through Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance says that:
Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was. – Richard L. Evans
©B.L. Memee, 2017-2019. All rights reserved.
Read Memee’s previous contributions:
Blog: Memee’s Musings
Letters to the Mind 
You’re the only person who has been able to accurately describe “the blahs” – is it okay with you if I have my boyfriend read this post? I’m thinking that maybe if it’s coming from someone else, it may help him to understand better.
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Of course! That is why I write about mental illness, to help others understand what we suffer through and hopefully help to someday put an end to stigma so we can receive love and compassion instead of isolation and fear! Thank you for the compliment!
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What a fantastic way to put it, I can totally relate, it really is like being different people! Brilliant post xxxx
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Thanks so much! It is difficult to admit to #1… I hate being that way so much, it is debilitating. I just want to be a 3! But it seems that is too much to ask. I have high hopes for the Latuda as it works differently then every other bipolar medication I’ve tried thus far. Good luck to you and thanks for commenting!
Memee
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I am mainly number 4 or 2! Xxx
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I wish I had more 4. I used to be a rapid cycler but the medications have me down to about one manic episode a year the rest of the time 2 or 1… I get maybe 20 days of being a balanced individual at 3. Why must it be so difficult to solve? Ugh!
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I like how you put this post together. Great representations. I’m in the “blahs” lately now. I guess I do look a little like your photo in that category.
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Thanks for commenting. I am sure we can all relate to the blahs from time to time. I just wish it wasn’t the majority of my life… I’d like to experience more happiness and see myself being more productive.
Memee
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I hope we do both experience more happiness and productivity. All the best
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A wonderful comment, thank you… I hope the same! More happiness and productivity for both of us! 🙂
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