Recently life has taken a turn I wasn’t expecting, I never once thought suicide was the way out, though I never acted upon these thoughts, those feelings were there, from what my therapist said my thoughts were archetypal of someone pretty low, on the day I finally let out how I’d been feeling what came next was what can only be described as a calm at the center of the storm, it was out there! Next was how on earth do I tell my family, (do I tell them in fact), that proved to be a hard task to accomplish getting those words out but I did it, what happened was support: “I’m always here to listen,” they’d say. For a short while being alone with my mind was a bad thing, facing those demons was tough, when asked what stopped me my answer I couldn’t do that to those I care about.
This has once again shown how messed up my mental health is, all the same thoughts and feelings that never seem to go away.
Since telling those around me what’s been going on, they’re stunned to hear what I have to say, compliments are hard to hear whilst all the while trying to ignore those demons which lay in wait to let loose upon me.
I must admit the mind techniques are helping using movie/tv characters which represent anxiety, depression I’ve created another me to help make sense of things and my therapist suggested using a character who in a way champions me by telling me the way things are and not the way they might be.
With this it particular event occurring it feels like I’m going nowhere a step behind really, feeling bad about myself whilst feeling bad about putting more stress on those most important to me.
I end this with this quote from Robert Frost;
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on .”
© Lewis Bull 2016
Read Lewis’ previous contributions:
- The Goblin Known as Anxiety and Stress
- Anxiety and Solitude
- Anxiety and Friendships
- Anxiety and being on Benefits
- Anxiety and Me
- Anxiety and Openly Showing Emotions
- Me, them and our mental health
- Anxiety, fear and depression
- Anxiety and its Tricks of the Mind
- Worry how you plague us so!
- Battles with the Poison Parrot