Some might ask why such a dark title for this post, I’ll tell you the reason it was this exact time last year that I finally gave in and signed off JSA for the first time in a long time, I also remember how bleak life seemed to me at the time and how anxiety officially took over.
Anxiety was based around job hunting and the other aspects that came with it, dealing with the staff at the job centre, interviews and making sure I had enough down on the job search forms each week. I hated what I became, people around me would say how proud they were of me for not giving up and doing my best, don’t think there was ever a point where I felt I deserved their praises, that’s just how life was.
Fear and depression came in as though life was never gonna change whether that be having friends, contact with family and that big question of finding a job, life had become so drab and dreary that it seemed to be an endless road from which there was no escape. By this point in time I had become unable to finish a long-winded application form whether that be written or done online. I would enjoy not looking at a computer screen and finding peace in the outside, my mind was constantly racing, peace couldn’t be sustained for long.
All this combined together with what was going on around me, whether it was things with my family or just constantly feeling like I was being watched (paranoia oh yes that happened). Life this time a year ago seemed pretty relentless, I think someone was looking down on me when I got back into contact with my family and when I made new friends, I found something worth living for that hope wasn’t gone. I don’t know what/who I’d be without either family or friends in my life.
I’ve written this not to bemoan about how awful life seemed a year ago or how looking to the future seemed just as bleak or that I thought that I was to spend it alone.
I’m here to say it’s time to shed the weight of the past, I’m done fearing what the future might hold just trying to live in the moment!
Of all the things my anxiety has me doubt about myself, I end this with a question am I a good man?
© Lewis Bull 2016
Read Lewis’ previous contributions:
- The Goblin Known as Anxiety and Stress
- Anxiety and Solitude
- Anxiety and Friendships
- Anxiety and being on Benefits
- Anxiety and Me
- Anxiety and Openly Showing Emotions
- Me, them and our mental health
“Bad luck, I guess. It floats around. It’s got to land on somebody. It was my turn, that’s all. I was in the path of the tornado. I just didn’t expect the storm would last as long as it has.”- Shawshank redemption